I HAD SUCH A GOOD NIGHT LAST NIGHT

Oh my god, my headache right now is killing me. My whole body feels sore. Maybe because I slept in a car. Remind me of never doing that again. Or I will do it tonight again, typically me. Last night I remember I was walking on a road in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know how I got there. Probably I was so drunk that I just went away from that party or I had to pee but never stopped walking. I don’t know and it’s not the point. I kind of wonder why I was there but it doesn’t give me any answers of what happened next. What ever. It could have been a dream. The thing is I had a flashlight in my hand, so something was up, lucky I had it because it was so dark. Maybe I wanted to go away. Fuck it, I can never get to the point! Maybe I should call someone and say that I am ok. They must be wondering. I don’t know if I’m coming back though. Who should I tell? Not Tim, he is too jealous. And not Ted either. He will weep like a faggot. A faggot. Weep. I can’t call him faggot. He is not a faggot. Not the way I am. I can never go back. Yesterday when I saw this car approaching it looked much more fancy, now I know it is not. From where I was standing the lights from it looked like it cut the horizon. I came closer. It came closer. When it stopped in front of me I didn’t know what to do. I was blinded by the lights, the lights was all I saw. I heard the car door open and his feet on the dirt road. I imagined him making marks with his feet as he went. He just looked at me like I was his fucking problem, standing in the way. At the same time he touched my crotch. I turned around.

Foto: Johan Nordberg

I felt like pushing him away over and over but somehow I was drawn to his movements. His body turned into hard and fluid mass, and my body didn’t respond to my fear. Did he want to suck my dick? That was my first thought. Why was that my first thought? I had never had that thought. Or I remember that dude last summer, it was a bit like that, he was stalking me. He came up to me in several parks when I just took a piss. I once had a cigarette with him. But that was all. This is not all. I am still here. I will never go back. I sat down in his car and told him to drive.

I was in the middle of nowhere. 1 am not sure I wasn’t dreaming.

En text tillhörande filmen Helljus regisserad av Julia Thelin med premiär 2015

Julia Thelin

Verksam i Stockholm och Malmö. Regissör och manusförfattare. Tvåårig filmarbetar­utbildning på Fridhem. En termin intervjuteknik på Lunds universitet. Blandar till den egna stilen genom att inspireras av andra konstformer. T.ex. dansen och rörelsen som kommer från ett stort eget intresse. Vill skriva manus med och för andra. Arbetar ofta med en tematik som rör unga och kroppen.

Fakta/fiktion
Jag hämtar känslor, tankar och funderin­gar från mig själv och placerar det hos mina karaktärer, integrerar det i deras värld och frågar mig och andra med liknande erfarenheter vad som kan hända där. Ett sätt att lära känna sig själv genom att förutsätta att känslan delas av fler. Komma närmare det gemensamma och varandra.

Det där du vet om som egentligen inte har någonting att göra med det du skriver om, det kommer in i texten ändå. Att ljuga när du hittar på, är att ta in sanningen. Det som bryter universum och samtidigt skapar det.

Lever vi inte alla i en fiktion egentligen? Jag ser mitt liv och formar det med min blick. Jag sätter på en låt och får ett soundtrack. Fakta är det vi vaskar fram och nålar upp i vår egen fiktion. Är känslor fakta? Är dom fik­tion? Fiktion är inte något vi skapar fritt, det är fakta av vad vi känslomässigt ser.

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